By Hans Ebert

I fretted for a few hours that I wouldn’t be able to see the Oscars. The person with me told me to exhale and then bitch slapped me into reality about how I was being a lemming and just doing something I have always done because of some pre-conditioned state going back to when I was dating and trying to figure out the marriage thing.

In the end, my PA told me the Oscars was on terrestrial television and which somehow calmed the beast within. “Happy now?” asked my friend as she casually walked towards the kitchenette au naturelle and made herself some breakfast. She might have called me a baby. Or something else.

She’s anti establishment and very anti Hollywood. Frankly, she’s anti American- all the showbiz afflicting the country and how it’s always only about them and damn the rest of the world.

Jimmy Kimmel did his best and I laughed along like the predictability of canned laughter though nothing was really very funny. Everything everyone did including Kimmel seemed as if it was to accept Meryl Streep’s approval. Oprah didn’t seem to be there. Maybe she was. Whatever.

There were some minor awards and Mary J Blige didn’t win for Best Supporting Actress. Later came the performance of an absolutely shocking song called “Remember Me”, which went on to win the Oscar for Best Song or something like that. Man, they got that so wrong.

Jimmy Kimmel talked about Oscar not having a penis whereas my girl friend reminded me that I still had one with one of those smiles that can mean so many things. The right smile is such a temptress.

Still, I didn’t give into temptation and kept watching until I really didn’t know nor care who was winning what other than that Kobe Bryant won an Oscar for a short film he had written and co-produced about basketball. You were expecting meatballs? My friend burst out laughing and mentioned that Kobe Bryant has won the same amount of Oscars as Leonardo DeCaprio and probably Al Pacino. She had suddenly becoming a naked heckler in my living room.

Gary Oldman won for Best Actor and I let out a whoop until I was asked what that win meant to me and how was I going to benefit by it. She asks the same question when we’re watching the horse races and some jockey I know wins a race and which makes me want to send him a congratulatory tweet. “He going to give you part of his winnings?” she’d ask. “Isn’t he the one you describe as being a fake and user?” Bless.

At the end of it all, the Oscars was a vapid programme that would be forgotten tomorrow and with absolutely no relevance to where I might be travelling next. It tried so hard to be politically correct that it ended up awkward and wrong.

I love the work of Frances McDormand, but her acceptance speech for Best Actress where she ended with the baffling “inclusion rider” and before this asked every female in the audience to stand up and applaud themselves showed that #MeToo is today everything it wasn’t meant to be and where MEN are being bullied and silenced and put into their own little box.

One type of inequality has become another form of inequality. All those females being ordered to stand up and applaud themselves was so darn Hollywood. It was fake, fake, fake, fake.

It was not as awkward, however, as Ryan Seacrest, who despite being accused of sexual harassment by his former Assistant, hosted the red carpet ceremony for E!

This was shown before the Oscars and it was tough to watch. Seacrest looked more like Seasick-stressed out and stressed in. It was obvious that he was being boycotted by a number of stars. He’s become a pariah overnight. He’s toast.

Why was I watching this exercise in embarrassment? Why do we do anything? Why are many of us on social media engaging with strangers and getting upset by things we read on our timeline? It’s an addiction. Moths being drawn to a flame. And all of us thinking that people really care about what we have to say.

We really need to switch that iPhone off and get a life. Better yet, grab some sex when it’s being offered to you by someone attractive, bright and has the right attitude about life and those who inhabit it and has her priorities in the right place. She’s not easily impressed. She doesn’t buy into Hollywood bullshit, she doesn’t buy into any kind of bullshit, and doesn’t believe any of this has anything to do with the real world and living life to the full.

#Oscars2018 #JimmyKimmel #Hollywood #MerylStreep #MeToo #fake #politicallycorrect #RyanSeacrest #E!

Leave a Reply