By Hans Ebert
The sky is grey and so is my mind. It’s been grey for a while. Nothing is black and white. It’s being stuck in the Now and the Now is not what it was. Another birthday beckons and I wonder if I’ll see it through. Or want to see it through. My father wanted to live to be a hundred. He fell short by six years.
The television is on another of those news channels. It’s more pundits talking all over each other about the future of America under Donald Trump. It’s as repetitive and boring as nearly everything and everyone around me. I look out at the grey staring at me through the window and wonder what it’s trying to say. It’s probably saying nothing like many of those around me. We’re living in a grey world.
The Kinks asked, Where Have All The Good Times Gone. But that was in the Sixties, and that was a time overflowing with good times- a sudden massive wave of creativity led by music and where everything seemed possible. And we made the impossible possible and saluted individual thinking. We sang about it. We wrote about it and not in 140 words or less. We made movies about it. We embraced change.
We fell in love without doing the maths. Without over-analysing everything. We were simply attracted to each other, we got together and we made it work. But the years have been an unkind sea. It’s taken its toll on many of us. It’s certainly taken its toll on me.
Where have all the good times gone? That feeling of waking up and wanting to get up and do things? Sure, we exercised, but we mainly exercised our brain. Last night I was watching someone sitting amongst us all and concentrating on writing out on her phone what she needed to tell her fitness trainer. Mobile phones have become our most loyal partner. And if it’s become an extension of our personalities and a new body part, what does that say about us? All this need to update profiles and “share” and “like” without thinking just how useless and pointless it all is. The tail is wagging the dog. We have allowed ourselves to become slaves to technology. Who are these people we “friend”- these faceless entities that we supposedly “meet” and “engage” with?
Where did all the good times go when we would meet someone and couldn’t wait to see them again? Those girls we wrote songs about? That one special one who cut through the net and lives in your heart forever even if she might no longer be with you.
Yesterday would have been my wedding anniversary. I wondered if she remembered that. I wanted to call her, but rejection or hearing that she’s moved on would have made that grey outside enter into my heart. My heart couldn’t break anymore harder. There’s a protective shield around it. When you thought you were going to grow old together and now you’re growing old alone is not how the story was supposed to unfold. But that’s now where it is- at these crossroads with not only no direction of home, but just no direction.
Am I the only one who’s going through this? Doubt it. We might put on our happy faces, but it’s just another layer of makeup. We wear a lot of makeup these days.
We’re terrible liars to ourselves for the simple reason that we are lost. We have lost our priorities and once that happens, we lose all sense of pride and wisdom and ambition and the ability to think. To really think and not just do.
Right now, we do without thinking. Hell, we think we’re thinking when we’re actually numbing ourselves with whatever is around to keep ourselves busy. We’re kidding ourselves because we’re lost. We’re living in an unreal reality series that we think is life. This is not life. This is going through the motions. This is all bullshit. All around is bullshit. And we accept it all without thinking.